How are violence and communication related?
Small, everyday ways to build a more just world
Often when people hear the word “violence” they think of physical brutality. Acts like someone punching another person in the face or the bullet from a gun ripping through flesh come to mind. So, when I tell people that I study violence through the lens of communication, they sometimes get curious about what words have to do with a punch or a gunshot. Over my fifteen plus years as an academic researcher, I’ve come to understand many ways communication and violence are related. Here are some of them.
NAMING VIOLENCE CHANGES IDENTITIES
I started my academic career by researching how people named their experiences of sexual violence. Studies had already shown that, in survey responses, people would agree that they had experienced the behaviors that constitute rape. They would acknowledge that someone had specific forms of sexual contact with them without their desire or consent. But when those same survey respondents were asked if they had experienced rape, they would say they had not. Curious about these survey results, I interviewed women who self-identified as having experienced sex without consent to understand how they made decisions about using the label rape. Consistent with prior research, the more time that had passed between the sexual violence and our interview, the more likely the women were to use the term “rape” to describe their experience. Many found power in using this word. For other women I interviewed, the word did not have enough complexity and nuance to name what had happened. Moreover, the word “rape” came with both identity and relational consequences, both for the person who experienced sexual violence and for the person who committed it. Because sexual violence happens most often in contexts where people know one another, and often amidst an ongoing relationship, to apply the word “rape” meant grappling directly with society’s misconceptions about sexual violence, especially the stranger danger myth. It required the women I interviewed to reconcile relational contradictions and to decide what it means to be close to someone who has been violent.
When I talk to people about this research, they often respond by saying they would never be connected to someone who had been violent. But the reality is, whether we are aware of it or not, almost all of us have been close to someone who has been violent. I do not mean all of us know a rapist. On the contrary, the limited studies on perpetration of rape suggest a majority of men never rape, but that a small number of men do rape repeatedly (see these four studies). I do mean that most people, at some point in their lives, have crossed someone else’s boundary, whether intentionally or not. Sometimes these transgressions are physical, even if minor. Many of us have given an unwanted hug, realizing it only after the fact. More often though, these boundary violations are verbal. Most of us have said something that was not only unkind and hurtful, but also likely drew upon a larger social system of meaning that devalues and denigrates a group of people based on their social location. These kinds of statements are vastly different from sexual assault, and they are not the equivalent of shooting someone, stabbing someone, or otherwise inflicting physical injury. But these statements are related to these obvious acts of violence.
SYSTEMS OF MEANING SUPPORT VIOLENCE
I point out this relationship because violence cannot occur without a system of meaning that supports it. Those systems develop through communication. For example, statements that allow someone to ignore another’s humanity often precede physical violence. In the context of a one-on-one relationship, when one partner repeatedly says things that denigrate and invalidate the other partner, those statements can be a warning sign of more intense violence to come. Over time, as someone repeatedly says that another person is an animal, a b*tch, a piece of garbage, or a waste of life, the person making these statements creates a world in which the other person is neither valuable nor inherently worthy. Attaching these meanings to someone else is a pathway toward violence. When these patterns of name-calling get used broadly and repeatedly for a whole group of people, more widespread, cultural violence often follows.
Verbal threats also usually precede violence. Abusers and attackers often declare their intent to be violent well before they actually commit physical violence. Statements such as “I’m going to beat you up,” or “I’m going to kill you,” or “I’m going to shoot them,” serve several functions. They are designed to instill fear in another person, thereby securing the speaker’s control over them and making it easier to enact subsequent violence. These utterances also get the speaker used to the idea of being violent. For this reason, phrases like these should be taken seriously. They indicate that physical assaults may follow.
Interestingly enough, people react physically to the words said to them. Colleagues of mine asked research participants to report the levels of affectionate communication in their marriage, such as praise, support with solving problems, and expressions like “I love you.” The researchers found that these reports of affectionate communication, particularly reports of receiving affectionate communication, predicted the level of participants’ stress hormones. In a different study, researchers found that parents’ communication skills impacted the stress hormones of their teenaged children. Said differently, these studies (and others) show that hearing people say affirming things to you lowers biological markers of stress and likely improves your overall health. Our guts and nervous systems recognize speech that signals physical safety and danger, and we respond viscerally to those cues.
COMMUNICATION CAN PREVENT VIOLENCE
Communication can also reduce, lessen, and prevent violence. Along with many other scholars who study varied forms of violence, I assume that violence is an outcome of unmet material, social, emotional, and spiritual needs. Although words are not literal food, shelter, or clothing, they are fundamental for addressing people’s immaterial needs. Through words, people can convey powerful messages about others’ belonging, acceptance, and worth. And by finding small ways to better affirm the people around us, each of us makes a small contribution to a community where everyone’s needs are better met, and therefore where violence is less likely to happen. As so many communication theorists, including myself, demonstrate, these small impacts have ripple effects through society’s interconnected relational web.
If you’re looking for ways to contribute to a less violent social world, here are a few practices to increase or add to your everyday talk:
1. Affirm and validate
Everyone has some need to be seen, heard, and understood. These experiences are the foundation of connected, thriving relationships. Because these needs are so basic, the more we can express to other people when we see, hear, and understand them, the better. When it is authentic for you, use phrases like, “I get it,” “That makes sense to me,” “I understand why you feel that way,” “I hear you,” or other similar expressions that are appropriate for your cultural context and personality. Sometimes, when I encourage people to affirm and validate the people around them, they’ll worry about encouraging bad behavior. Sometimes they’re concerned that validation will seem like agreement. But here's the thing: You can affirm and validate someone else’s experience, perspective, and feelings, even and especially when you do not agree with them, feel the same way, or share their beliefs or worldview. Validating someone’s feelings and perspective does not erase your differences, and it does not condone poor behavior. On the contrary, it honors differences, and it builds a relationship where you’re more likely to be able to address troubling behaviors.
2. Let someone know when they’ve made your world better
People have a fundamental human need to know that they matter and have an impact in the world. Start paying attention to how both strangers and people close to you make a positive difference in your life, and when you notice their influence, tell them. Be specific, explicit, and verbal. Not only do you address someone else’s social and emotional needs, but studies show that these kinds of expressions also benefit you.
3. Learn the history and cultural context of phrases
Because language is a social system, no one single-handedly determines the meaning of a word or phrase. Instead, the things we say on a day-to-day basis carry long histories and connotations that we may not always know. For example, were you aware that the phrase “rule of thumb” is associated with gendered violence? In the late 1700s, an English judge suggested that it was permissible for a man to beat his wife if the instrument he used was not larger than his thumb. The judge was immediately mocked and ridiculed, as shown in the political cartoons of the time. But the idea did not go away. Just under one hundred years later, a judge in North Carolina again suggested that men have the right to beat their wives using implements not larger than their thumbs. The state’s Supreme Court dismissed the case, and criticized the judge’s rationale. Although the phrase was never legal precedent, when the judges used this language, they summoned a long history of convoluted justifications for intimate partner violence. When I first learned about this phrase decades ago, I decided to avoid it in favor of phrases that had less explicitly violent associations. Similarly, friends and I were discussing the phrase “kill two birds with one stone” and decided we preferred the more playful “pat two puppies with one hand” or the cuter “feed two birds with one scone.” Do minor language changes like these stop people from murdering and raping one another? Absolutely not. But they do issue small challenges to systems of meaning that condone and normalize violence. As a communication scholar, I don’t think there’s one “right” or “correct” way to speak. Nevertheless, knowing the histories, contexts, and origins of the words and phrases you use can help you to make informed decisions about how you speak. When you know more about the meanings your words are likely to evoke, you can better align your statements with the values you most cherish.
4. Listen for values and feelings
Sometimes, when people listen, they pay attention only to the literal contents of what is being said. They forget to listen for the underlying emotions or values the person is also expressing. When this happens, people get stuck on the minute details and miss many opportunities for better connection. Communication always has two levels of meaning. One is about the contents, and the other is about the relationship between the people. When the focus narrows to just the contents, we ignore information about how much people like and respect one another, as well as the power dynamics between them. Attending to facts and contents is crucial, but doing only that rarely serves a relationship well. So, when you reflect on what you have heard someone say, notice not only what they’ve said, but also how they’ve said it. By doing so, you’ll find clues about that person’s emotional experience, and you’ll be more likely to notice when relational repair is necessary. You’ll also get information about what is important to this person, and knowing that can help you to be more connected and to resolve conflict.
5. Express boundaries with kindness
Punishment and shame are not boundaries. Yet so often, when we need someone else to stop or change a behavior, we try to use these techniques. In response to someone who hurts you, instead of saying “Why the heck would you do such a stupid and thoughtless thing?!” try “I’m so angry! That is not ok with me.” I’m not advocating that people suppress their anger when someone has violated a boundary. I am advocating that they express it in ways that are assertive rather than judgmental and dismissive. Doing so can be more challenging than shaming someone, but it is ultimately more effective and less likely to escalate a cycle of violence. And, as a quick aside, if someone says to you “Why the heck would you do such a stupid and thoughtless thing?” return to suggestions #1 and #4. Attune to the feelings being expressed and what matters to that person, and first respond by affirming or validating something about those emotions and values.
6. Thank someone for setting a boundary
Depending on their social location and identities, many people—especially those who are least valued and prioritized in a given society—learn that they should not express boundaries or limits. For people who have experienced relational trauma, asserting a boundary can be terrifying. Usually, relational violence begins with small boundary violations that continue to escalate over time. Because of these experiences, many people learn that asserting their limits with kindness either won’t work, or that violence will follow. In this context, to simply thank someone for saying no to you, or to thank them and then affirm and validate them, can powerfully rework the patterns of violence that many people expect. Even better, as you practice this skill, you become someone who regularly honors the limits others set, and you’re less likely to bulldoze over a boundary. Ultimately, this makes you a safer and less violent person.
7. Avoid using “always” and “never”
When you need to address someone’s problematic behavior, avoid using the words “always” and “never.” Are you annoyed that your roommate or family member hasn’t cleaned their dirty dishes? Phrases like “You always leave your dirty dishes around!” or “You never clean up after yourself” are unlikely to help. On the contrary, your roommate will probably get defensive. It’s rarely true that someone always or never does something. So instead of using these words, describe the specific facts of the immediate scenario: “I noticed that when I came home at 10pm today, your dishes from breakfast, lunch, and dinner were still on the counter.” Then, describe how those facts impact you. Say something like, “I’m unable to prepare my snack without cleaning the counter first because there’s no space. Also it smells bad.” Explain why that matters to you. It might be, “I want us to be responsible for our own cleaning, and I start to feel resentful when I need to clean up after you in order to make my own food. It’s even worse when I’m already hungry.” In this way, you express what you value, how the person is impacting you, and what you need. This more vulnerable expression is much more likely to connect. Then, make a specific request such as, “Could you please clean up your dishes before I get home?” Or ask the roommate for their ideas about how to address the issue. Then, in the future, when the roommate or family member changes their behavior, be sure to let them know that it has had a positive impact on you.
To be clear, these techniques are not likely to be useful in moments where violence is imminent. They are not good for scenarios when someone has already pulled a gun or during other acute threats. But in less intense moments, these communication skills move us upstream, to where unmet or ignored emotional and social needs first start polluting the social waters. Prevention and transformation are possible there, closer to the source.
As always, if you’d like to support this work, please like, comment, subscribe, and share! Stay tuned for the next post, on January 13, 2025, about dreaming and communication. (How is it already going to be 2025?!?!)